Wednesday, October 19, 2011


Over the past few months I've dropped off the face of the blogosphere for a variety of reasons.  It started with being told repeatedly by various friends and family members that I needed to change my politics.  I smiled and told them I loved them anyway, which I do, but after a while it just got unnecessarily grating.  If people can't have a respectful conversation, why bother talking? 

With my nerves already fried I faced the fact that my husband was being laid off.  My answer:  Increase my hours at work while he looks for a new job.  Result:  Not much free time for writing.  Woe is my reading public.  (Actually, let's be honest: Woe is me.  After all, writers usually write to read their names in print, anyway -- don't ever believe any of the so-called "soul-bearing creative arts" are entirely selfless endeavors.)

Work has been busy.  But, over the past few weeks it has slowed from frenetic to fast-paced, giving me time to resurface and grab a breath of fresh air -- loaded with the foul stench of angsty yuppies wafting my way from Zuccotti Park.

I don't need to waste my time re-writing excellent commentary and re-drawing the same logical conclusions already drawn by several bloggers who've had much more time to immerse themselves in the literature ("Humanity vs. The Rothschilds" -- I'm not even going to bother quoting the Illuminati nonsense) and fine arts (cop-car crapping that reminds you of the infamous 'Virgin Mary in Jar of Urine' exhibit from the Guliani years) of the sore losers known as Generation I (I-Pod, I-Phone, I-Don't-Wanna-Get-a-Job).  Why?  Because I get it. 

How, you ask, could I possibly understand?  Because, like many middle class kids who worked under the delusion that they'd walk out of college and into a good paying job I, too, had to suffer the hard knocks of reality.  Fortunately, I'm in a better position now than I was back then.  But, my situation 7 years ago wasn't that different from the situation of most of these young people at Zuccotti Park (except for the fact that my Dad wasn't rich, I couldn't live off of my parents, and the fanciest cell phone I have ever owned can text message--and that's about it).  So, what would the Susan of 7 years ago say to the protestors of today?

So, you majored in American Studies and now the only place you can work is Wal Mart?  Try majoring in Communications and getting a job as a bank teller.  The qualifications and pay are about the same.  So, tell me, why didn't you apply for a job that at least gave you Federal Holidays off?

Suffer your B.A., do you?  Try being told to take your Master's degree off your resume because people will think you're "too smart" for that job at the bank.

Bogged down by those loan payments?  Hmm...why do you think I work at a freaking bank?  Because I like counting other people's money?

Yeah, that about covers it.  You see, I had my financial burdens and I walked through my own obstacles in my job hunt.  It took a whole seven years of hard work for me to get where I am today:  Living a happily middle class lifestyle.

Seven years.  That's like, FOREVER.  And dude, working at a bank?  That's like BORING. 

But, wait, the story gets better:  The bank I worked at for two years sold out to a larger bank.  So, I had to find...ANOTHER JOB.  Which I did, without spending one day on unemployment.  And then, after a while I realized I wasn't moving along in my career the way I wanted I networked...and found...ANOTHER JOB.  And now, I work for a company that recognizes and rewards my talent.  Sure, because of budget cuts I had to forego a raise my first year, but in my second year I managed to not only be given a raise, but also to be rewarded with: extra hours and free professional development classes! 


And, guess what:  I did all that suffering without making my burdens anyone else's responsibility.  Yes, I lived at home.  And when I did, I paid rent and covered my own bills.  And I still do!  Oh, how I have suffered!  Please, oh please, can I go live in a park with no plumbing and live off of free donations, sleeping with all my beloved possessions tucked into my clothing so that they won't be taken from me by thieves in the middle of the night?  I'll bring my guitar!

Sure, I can see the farce going on in New York for what it is:  A load of nothing.  And yet, I keep hearing things like, "They are banning together against corporate greed!  It's evil!"  Yeah, corporate greed is evil, until it lets you park your butts in their privately owned green space they use as a tax writeoff.  Or, "But people need jobs!"  And if they really wanted them, they'd be down there in suits with resumes, not marching around with illiterate signage, screaming slogans being fed to them by the army of paid activists, union workers, and social justice bloggers "covering" the protests.  Seriously, folks, when the mainstream media is coming out and telling you point-blank that you need someone to take a hit in order for America to care, you've got to recognize that there's only one guy in this world who was able to pull off putting on a show about nothing. 

Oh, wait, he was a dirty, corporate-sponsored Jew banker.  Nevermind.

So, if only to remind some of those people who feel the need to tell me (and the rest of the American taxpayers who are too busy working to drop everything and spend all day toting around someone else's message for free) that I'm the one who needs to change my politics, let's make one thing clear:  The 99% don't give a crap about the less than 1% holed up in the cesspool that is Zuccotti Park.  What's more, we don't give a crap about your "woe is me" whining or your incessant desire to proclaim that every last ounce of American Constitution and culture is "wrong" "evil" or "unjust". 

And, let's make it clear:  We aren't taking on your responsibilities, so stop trying to shove them onto our shoulders.

Life is hard and, guess what, Mick was right: You can't always get what you want.  So stop trying to get us to give you what you need.  You aren't our job.  Your burdens are not our responsibility.  Forget Wall Street, Washington, or any other state capital and try occupying some brain cells for a change.  Instead of protesting life, start living it and maybe you'll learn something.  Until then, keep your sad-sack bilge to yourself ...because the rest of us have work to do.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

30 Things I've Learned @ 30

(In no true numerical order, outside of the fact that I had to count somehow.)

1.        Individualism requires being comfortable with the unknown.  Everyone has an innate need to belong to a group in some regard; the further you walk outside the box, the closer you are to anarchy and the more you are required to stand alone.

2.       The most gorgeous people in the world live outside the box.  Your value in how gorgeous they are depends on your “out of the box” comfort zone.

3.       Being nice is always easier in the long run.  In the short term, it’s a pain in the ass.

4.       Being an adult is so much better than being a kid because being an adult means you have choices… including the choice to be a kid whenever you want.

5.       People are far too willing to accept the authority of the seen versus the unseen.  For instance, I recently attended an educators’ workshop at which the presenter told an auditorium of teachers, “You must instruct your class that you always have their best wishes at heart, but what you think is fair is not always what they think is fair.”  In other words, you can accept that from your teacher… but you can question G-d all you want. 

6.       Life is a series of double standards.  (See above.)

7.       Shit rolls downhill.

8.       Yes, Virginia, there is such a thing as Yuppie Scum.

9.       Listen to the people who forgive you for the mistakes you make and learn by example.

10.   Dreams do come true and desires are fulfilled …and patience is the sustenance of faith.

11.   People spend far too much time trying to make other people happy and failing, miserably.

12.   Clear communication is a Divine gift rarely requested and bestowed in limited edition.

13.   The Beatles are the best rock band of all time.  Period.  Great bands played before and great bands have played since but no band will ever surpass The Beatles.

14.   True humility is scrubbing a public toilet to send your kids to college …so they, in turn, do not have to scrub public toilets.

15.   When you play, play to win, but be sure the games you play are worth winning.

16.   A sense of humor will save you from disaster.

17.   Never seek to be like anyone else.

18.   Slavery has nothing to do with race, creed, gender, sexuality, or socioeconomic status.  Slavery is a state of mind.

19.   There is always an opportunity to fight back.

20.   Never let a petty disagreement break up a good relationship.  Keep in mind that “petty” can be defined in a number of instances, ranging from the definition of a good band to the definition of a good politician. 

21.   Study the heart of the matter and seek the root cause, and you will find that you have a lot more in common than you think.

22.   A Soul’s goodness is worth more than diamonds and is the making of their beauty.

23.   Happiness comes from within.

24.   Never let bullshit get in the way of a good time.

25.   Nothing beats a good pair of jeans.

26.   The greatest amount of wisdom is sheltered in unexpected places.

27.   PhD = Piled Higher & Deeper.

28.   Reading is fundamental because real learning requires interacting with the world in which you live.

29.   Social media does not count as “reading” or “interacting with the world in which you live.”

30.   Love G-d.  Love each other.  That’s the whole point.  And for the people who don’t get that, well, too bad for them.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

S.L.M. Goldberg's Official Statement on Charlie Sheen

Susan L. M. Goldberg, an independent blogger who is published in a number of places that will take no stance in this particular situation, strongly supports Charlie Sheen's newfound alternative media presence.

"Corporate trolls have no power over the force of Tiger Blood," Ms. Goldberg said in this recently typed statement. "As role models, McWinning is the attitude our celebrities need to convey to the public. And, given the need for strong national security, it is apparent that only Warlock brains can build the perfect torpedo.

"Furthermore, Gary Busey is getting on in years and given the current political climate, Ted Nugent is bound to bury himself in his bus-bunker any minute. The world needs people like the new Charlie Sheen around. Therefore, we encourage Mr. Sheen not to overdose to the point of complete self-destruction so that our future children can one day revel in shows like 'My Life with Sheen' and know who really invented Tulsa, Oklahoma.

"In the interest of the rights of celebrities everywhere to go batsh#t crazy at least once in their public lives, sheerly for the amusement of their viewing public, this blogger stands with Charlie Sheen, and supports his lockbox of diamonds, uranium, and assassin nobility. #WINNING"

Monday, February 28, 2011

Oscars 2011, or How Boring Can Gen-X/Y/I Get?

To be fair, last night's Academy Awards wasn't bad.  Anne Hathaway is charming and delightful.  Although young, her comedic timing, stage presence, and willingness to laugh at herself proves that she's got presenting chops that will only serve to be sharpened and refined with time.

James Franco did a good job ...smirking like he was stoned.

The best part of the night also served to illustrate how incredibly boring Hollywood has become.  Kirk Douglas, a stroke survivor in his 90s, had better comedic timing and classier jokes than half of the "younger, fresher" presenters that graced the stage.  The funniest part of Justin Timberlake's Banksy joke was how flat it fell--I guess we know now what sound a bad joke makes when there are thousands around to hear it.

Instead of elaborate musical numbers, the show's producers cut back on production value, giving us blips of nominated songs (I'd cut my arm off if I had to listen to that Dido crap) while featuring a montage of "Man on the Street" interviews that looked as if it were shot on a flip cam.  The most random of random people were selected to tell us what their favorite movie songs were; the stunt had about as much relevance as referencing Gone With the Wind before introducing Tom Hanks.  It was as if the producers were trying to conjure up memories of old Hollywood in a bad attempt to remind viewers of why they used to enjoy going to the movies.  Not to be left out, President Barack Obama contributed his two cents to the movie song debate; too bad for him he referenced the theme song from Casablanca, rendering most of his voting demographic asking, "Dude, that was black and white--how old is he?"

Most of the cultural references revolved around "apps" and Facebook.  File those under, "Wow, they referenced the Internet; this show is so young and hip!"...and grossly cliche.  Too bad for the writers that most of those references were missed by a tech-infused generation too busy testing out one-liners on Twitter to actually appreciate what was going on in the show.

And, perhaps, that is the point.  Hollywood turned the Oscars into one big, fat, commercial for how great Hollywood used to be--you know, when they actually made real money off of their movies.  (Back in the day when movie tickets were 50 cents, not $17 bucks a pop.)  In referencing all the great films and people of the past, Hollywood illustrated how boring the younger demographic truly is.  Now, instead of Gone With the Wind we have The Social Network.  Instead of The Best Years of Our Lives we have The Kids Are All Right.  Instead of being swept away with drama, comedy, passion, happiness, we settle for corruption, broken friendships, alcoholism, broken relationships, and middle-age misery.  But technology makes it all better:  Distraction?  There's an app for that!

There were a few bizarre moments in the night beyond Timberlake's bad attempt to mock a hero of Hollywood's Golden Age.  Anne Hathaway introduced Oprah as a woman whose air is an honor to breathe (tell that one to Al "CO2 Tax" Gore) and when the glorified talk show host came out, she was the only one taking herself seriously.  (Well, that's not new.)  I'd say the tension was palpable in the crowd as the audience waited to hear if Oscar was one of Oprah's Favorite Things, but actors are cheap--they don't even buy their own jewelry, so why would they spring for the taxes and fees just to take home the free statuette under their seat?

By far the strangest moment of the night came around quarter to midnight, when a bunch of ten year olds were escorted to the stage to sing a bizarrely hammy choral rendition of Somewhere Over the Rainbow.  "Look, kids, Hollywood can make your dreams come true--as long as Anne Hathaway sees you on YouTube first!"  I'm still stumped as to the point of that stunt and their costumes--they could've at least bedazzled their t-shirts for the occasion.

The Oscars used to be a way for Americans to luxuriate in the glitz and glam of Hollywood.  That was when the telecast was done in black and white.  Now if the Academy wants to attract the next generation of movie-goers, they're better off cutting the broadcast to 90 seconds and putting it on YouTube.  Just think: with all that extra money, they might be able to buy James Franco a personality.